Tag: domestic violence

My Transformation Out of Narcissistic Abuse

sad woman in despair
Photo by Anh Nguyen

My Soulmate 

In 2002, I married my soulmate — the man I dreamt about meeting since I was a little girl. The man who was perfectly in sync with my thoughts and feelings. The man who knew just what to say and how to say it to make me feel like the most special woman in the world.

Slowly, that loving and considerate man began to change.  I was married to a charming, charismatic man to the outside world who demeaned and abused behind closed doors. My husband became manipulative and controlling, making me feel guilty for any and everything that went wrong in his life or made him feel devalued. He began to demand all of my time and grew angry if he didn’t receive it. I stopped doing activities with friends to please him. I began walking on eggshells, thinking about every action and choosing my words carefully to avoid conflict. If I didn’t do what he wanted, when he wanted, or how he wanted it done, I was belittled and called selfish. Whenever I expressed things he was doing to me in the relationship that invalidated my feelings, he turned the conversation around to what I did to him. It was always about him, his wants and his needs. He was never satisfied no matter how much I tried to please him and everything was continuously my fault. The real truth about him was that he didn’t become this man.  He was already like this, masking his true self when we met. 

Lack of Empathy

Whenever I was sick and required medical attention, he was angry with me complaining he had to take me to urgent care or the ER never showing any compassion for my well being.  Yet, he demanded I show empathy and take care of his every need when he was sick. He expected rewards and compliments for taking care of his children. If I decided to treat myself to a hair day or nail day, I was called a horrible mother for thinking of myself and leaving him to watch the children.

I hit my lowest point when my husband had an affair and decided he didn’t need me anymore. An affair he blamed me for because he didn’t feel “loved”. His verbal abuse ramped up to nightly rants in an effort to force me into signing a separation agreement I didn’t agree with. I lost eleven pounds during this time. I couldn’t eat because my stomach was a roller coaster not knowing what each day would entail, I couldn’t sleep because he kept me up all night ranting, and I couldn’t think straight due to sleep deprivation. I had to threaten to call the police one night during one of his rages because he just wouldn’t let up no matter how much I asked him to stop. He told me he was wasting his time being with me.  I served my purpose and he was ready to move on. I was a selfish, vindictive bitch for forcing him to stay when he didn’t want to be with me.  

When the mistress decided to leave and return to her husband, my husband mourned her for months often crying in bed at night. He began to accuse me of cheating. He constantly complained about the number of texts and phone calls I received to the point that I resorted to always having my phone on vibrate. I began to call my family and friends during my commute to and from work to connect with the outside world. He checked my phone records and called back numbers on my phone he didn’t recognize. If I was five minutes late coming home from work, I was automatically accused of being with another man and kept up all night having a senseless argument over seeing a man that didn’t exist. 

I lived in mental chaos for years until I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn’t recognize the woman I had become. I was frail and weak with no identity. I lost myself conforming to a man who repeatedly emotionally and verbally  abused me.

The Transformation

After 16 years, I made the decision to leave the relationship. I was once a strong, independent, ambitious and vivacious woman who became mentally broken and living with PTSD. I wanted a safe environment for my children; and I wanted “me” back.  The moment I stepped foot into my tiny two bedroom apartment, was life altering. I closed my eyes as tears rolled down my face in joy while I stood in silence enjoying the peacefulness of freedom. It was the most freeing and uplifting experience of my life as if 200 pounds had been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again. 

As I collected my thoughts and cleared my head over the days that followed leaving my abuser, I began to devise a plan to heal my mind, body, and spirit. 

Here are some of the tools I used to identify, address and overcome my situation. 

  • I began to read and educate myself on the signs and symptoms of emotional and verbal abuse putting a name to what I experienced 
  • I discovered therapeutic journaling as a way to heal from my experience. Performing a mental brain dump of my entire relationship often crying as I put words to paper
  • I saw a nutritionist and got on an eating plan to heal my body from years of chronic stress
  • I started an exercise plan to assist with my mental health and mood
  • I began meditating ten minutes before bed every night to clear my mind for restful sleep. Something I wasn’t accustomed to getting
  • I made a list of ten affirmations to state every morning in the mirror before leaving for work to rebuild my self esteem and confidence 
  • I wrote a list of goals I wanted to accomplish over the next year to begin making up for all the years of lost time
  • I created a list of activities I wanted to do over the next six months
  • I scheduled time with family and friends to reconnect and spend quality time

Was it My Fault, An Abuse Survivor’s Story and Guide to Navigating Narcissistic Red Flags. Click here to order.

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Reclaiming My Life After Narcissistic Abuse

Life in an abusive relationship isn’t something we ever think about until it happens to us. We grow up believing it could never happen to us. We tell ourselves that’s something that happens to “those people”. We fool ourselves into believing we’d never put up with behavior that makes us feel less than someone else.

These are great ideals, but unfortunately, for many people, like me, it’s a pipe dream. Through no fault of our own, some end up in relationships like this. The toxicity with niceties, attention, kind words, overt acts of love like gifts, trips, and all the sweet things that bring smiles to our faces.

Soon, those niceties become few and far between. What was once loving looks turns to scowls. The kind words are replaced by name calling, insults, threats, and outright frightening declarations. While shocking at first, it’s amazing how quickly this abhorrent behavior becomes our new normal. We make excuses as our abuser chips away at our self-esteem, makes us question ourselves, and fundamentally changes our perception.

Some people live with this for decades. Some, like me, leave… eventually. But unfortunately, leaving doesn’t always end the abuse. The abuser will sometimes find a new way to manipulate or control you. The system that’s designed to help you sever ties and clean up loose ends also works against you.

My book, my story, chronicles my journey from an abusive relationship to fighting for my life back and the aftermath of taking a stand. While not a pretty story, this raw account is meant to help anyone, who is living in this near-impossible situation, navigate the sometimes-confusing road ahead. Whether it be the legal system or beyond, I know it would’ve been helpful to have a roadmap to help me navigate this treacherous terrain.

After surviving narcissistic abuse and fighting to get my life back, improve my self-esteem, and reclaim the pieces of me that had been chipped away after sixteen years in a toxic relationship, the last thing I needed was another battle for what was rightfully mine. When the legal system is set up to work against you and not take your best interests into account, where do you turn?

My book outlines the steps I took and those I encourage those I consult to take. While I’m not an attorney, I know from experience what worked for me. It’s my hope that my book, my story, my journey will provide inspiration, help you create a roadmap to the next chapter of your life, and provide you with the tools you need to succeed on the other side of an abusive relationship.

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.