5 Ways Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners

couple on beach, sunset, silhouette — Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Narcissists are self loathing, vulnerable individuals. They can’t stand to be alone with their own thoughts and need the constant attention and admiration from others to feel good about themselves. While they constantly seek admiration for their well being, they emotionally abuse and manipulate their partners to conform to what they want.

Here a five tactics narcissists employ to manipulate their victims

Blame Shifting

Narcissists love to shift the blame when they are being held accountable for hurting your feelings. They shift the focus from themselves and change the subject to something you did to them in the past or some imperfection you have. This tactic then forces you to question your contribution to causing this problem ultimately having you take an unnecessary amount of responsibility for something you actually did not do. It is masterful deflection they have turned into a well-honed skill.

2. Invoking Emotion

Narcissists use emotion to hijack your empathy. They will manufacture elaborate heartfelt stories of how someone in their past or present wronged them, used them or harmed them. They will often use tears and a solemn tone to further invoke your empathy for their predicament. No one cries faster than a narcissist trying to manipulate someone into doing something they want. Invoking that emotion plants them firmly as a victim in the eyes of the empathetic witness and removes any question or challenge of their part in the story.

3. Excessive Criticism

Everything the narcissist loved about you during the “love bombing” or courting phase of the relationship is an issue now that you are a couple. The independence that they loved and admired is now a pain point for the narcissist to criticize. The criticism becomes frequent and a consistent reaction to situations where there is a disagreement. Your qualities that were once adored or accepted are now flaws that impact their lives to the point where they have to constantly remind you of your issues. Thus, they rise higher as you sink lower and in that elevated state, they can do no wrong.

4. Repetitive Statements

The narcissist will push your boundaries to get you to see things their way by using repetitive statements such as, “I don’t understand why you can’t do this?” Regardless of how many times and ways of explaining why you won’t or can’t do something, they refuse to listen. You eventually give into their point of view just to stop the verbal attacks. That acquienesene becomes the lynchpin to controlling you. They now have the power to essentially beat you down into doing what they want just to keep the peace.

5. Guilt Tripping

The narcissist will make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends and family or have “me” time. Things such as getting your hair or nails done, going to lunch with a friend, or getting a massage will be seen as “cheating” with someone else or being a neglectful wife or mother for wanting a life outside of your relationship. This guilt is designed to do one thing and one thing only — force you to essentially give up any sense of self and do everything for this person (first out of love and now out of guilt). This tactic allows the narcissist to define and place value on you rather than you having your own sense of self worth.

Narcissists are notorious for emotionally beating their partners down through coercive control tactics used to make their partners comply with what they want. When combined, these five tactics make for a powerful and effective strategy that they will apply again and again. The challenge for you is to recognize these five tactics and take action. It will not be easy but it is worth the effort.

Alana Sharps is a Certified High Conflict Divorce and Child Custody Consultant and International Best Selling Author of the book, Was it My Fault.

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Reclaiming My Life After Narcissistic Abuse

Life in an abusive relationship isn’t something we ever think about until it happens to us. We grow up believing it could never happen to us. We tell ourselves that’s something that happens to “those people”. We fool ourselves into believing we’d never put up with behavior that makes us feel less than someone else.

These are great ideals, but unfortunately, for many people, like me, it’s a pipe dream. Through no fault of our own, some end up in relationships like this. The toxicity with niceties, attention, kind words, overt acts of love like gifts, trips, and all the sweet things that bring smiles to our faces.

Soon, those niceties become few and far between. What was once loving looks turns to scowls. The kind words are replaced by name calling, insults, threats, and outright frightening declarations. While shocking at first, it’s amazing how quickly this abhorrent behavior becomes our new normal. We make excuses as our abuser chips away at our self-esteem, makes us question ourselves, and fundamentally changes our perception.

Some people live with this for decades. Some, like me, leave… eventually. But unfortunately, leaving doesn’t always end the abuse. The abuser will sometimes find a new way to manipulate or control you. The system that’s designed to help you sever ties and clean up loose ends also works against you.

My book, my story, chronicles my journey from an abusive relationship to fighting for my life back and the aftermath of taking a stand. While not a pretty story, this raw account is meant to help anyone, who is living in this near-impossible situation, navigate the sometimes-confusing road ahead. Whether it be the legal system or beyond, I know it would’ve been helpful to have a roadmap to help me navigate this treacherous terrain.

After surviving narcissistic abuse and fighting to get my life back, improve my self-esteem, and reclaim the pieces of me that had been chipped away after sixteen years in a toxic relationship, the last thing I needed was another battle for what was rightfully mine. When the legal system is set up to work against you and not take your best interests into account, where do you turn?

My book outlines the steps I took and those I encourage those I consult to take. While I’m not an attorney, I know from experience what worked for me. It’s my hope that my book, my story, my journey will provide inspiration, help you create a roadmap to the next chapter of your life, and provide you with the tools you need to succeed on the other side of an abusive relationship.

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.

Attempting to Leave the Narcissist

You were swept off your feet when you first met spending every possible moment with your new love. A fairytale story of everlasting love reminiscent of a Hallmark movie. You felt like you were the only person in the world for them…their soulmate.

However, suddenly things changed…

You began to be belittled and made to feel less than. You communicated the poor treatment to your partner and how it made you feel. Yet, your feelings were unheard and invalidated. Everything that went wrong in your partner’s life was your fault. The missed job promotion, ability to purchase their favorite car, or the forgotten orange juice your missed during your grocery trip. The once constant loving attention and focus on you disappeared as if you were an object just to be used and abused.

As time went on, the put-downs became unbearable, but you hung in there waiting to see a glimpse of the person you fell in love with. The person who made you feel so special that you couldn’t imagine finding that type of love again.

They have to be in there somewhere right?

The Truth Revealed or Behind the Mask

Little did you know that you were dealing with a skilled manipulator. A narcissist. Someone who spent their entire lives creating a non-existent image to lure people in. A charismatic persona that charmed everyone they met. Often perceived as the perfect friend or mate to the outside world, a narcissist is far from that. They keep their emotional and psychological abuse closeted behind closed doors.

You desperately tried to change yourself to appease your partner. Often to the detriment of your mental health and physical well-being. You began to question everything you said walking on eggshells to avoid the episodes of narcissitic rage. If you stopped doing this and started doing that, you told yourself over and over. If you fixed everything they complained about, you would see the person you met and fell in love with again. You so desperately needed to see that person again to prove to yourself, that you were not crazy.

However, that day never came. Your partner continued to complain about everything you did and didn’t do while raising the bar of satisfaction higher and higher. As you slowly seeped into depression and had enough, you attempted to leave.

But, your partner was not done with you. They needed you to feel good about themselves. They needed you to make them feel whole, wanted, and loved. Your needs didn’t matter, but theirs did. Therefore, they pulled you back in with promises of changing their behavior. They made you feel guilty for attempting to leave making you question your decision. They began love bombing you all over again as they did when you first started dating pulling you back into the vortex of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

You began to think … am I the crazy one?

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.