My Transformation Out of Narcissistic Abuse

sad woman in despair — Photo by Anh Nguyen

My Soulmate

In 2002, I married my soulmate — the man I dreamt about meeting since I was a little girl. The man who was perfectly in sync with my thoughts and feelings. The man who knew just what to say and how to say it to make me feel like the most special woman in the world.

Slowly, that loving and considerate man began to change. I was married to a charming, charismatic man to the outside world who demeaned and abused behind closed doors. My husband became manipulative and controlling, making me feel guilty for any and everything that went wrong in his life or made him feel devalued. He began to demand all of my time and grew angry if he didn’t receive it. I stopped doing activities with friends to please him. I began walking on eggshells, thinking about every action and choosing my words carefully to avoid conflict. If I didn’t do what he wanted, when he wanted, or how he wanted it done, I was belittled and called selfish. Whenever I expressed things he was doing to me in the relationship that invalidated my feelings, he turned the conversation around to what I did to him. It was always about him, his wants and his needs. He was never satisfied no matter how much I tried to please him and everything was continuously my fault. The real truth about him was that he didn’t become this man. He was already like this, masking his true self when we met.

Lack of Empathy

Whenever I was sick and required medical attention, he was angry with me complaining he had to take me to urgent care or the ER never showing any compassion for my well being. Yet, he demanded I show empathy and take care of his every need when he was sick. He expected rewards and compliments for taking care of his children. If I decided to treat myself to a hair day or nail day, I was called a horrible mother for thinking of myself and leaving him to watch the children.

I hit my lowest point when my husband had an affair and decided he didn’t need me anymore. An affair he blamed me for because he didn’t feel “loved”. His verbal abuse ramped up to nightly rants in an effort to force me into signing a separation agreement I didn’t agree with. I lost eleven pounds during this time. I couldn’t eat because my stomach was a roller coaster not knowing what each day would entail, I couldn’t sleep because he kept me up all night ranting, and I couldn’t think straight due to sleep deprivation. I had to threaten to call the police one night during one of his rages because he just wouldn’t let up no matter how much I asked him to stop. He told me he was wasting his time being with me. I served my purpose and he was ready to move on. I was a selfish, vindictive bitch for forcing him to stay when he didn’t want to be with me.

When the mistress decided to leave and return to her husband, my husband mourned her for months often crying in bed at night. He began to accuse me of cheating. He constantly complained about the number of texts and phone calls I received to the point that I resorted to always having my phone on vibrate. I began to call my family and friends during my commute to and from work to connect with the outside world. He checked my phone records and called back numbers on my phone he didn’t recognize. If I was five minutes late coming home from work, I was automatically accused of being with another man and kept up all night having a senseless argument over seeing a man that didn’t exist.

I lived in mental chaos for years until I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn’t recognize the woman I had become. I was frail and weak with no identity. I lost myself conforming to a man who repeatedly emotionally and verbally abused me.

The Transformation

After 16 years, I made the decision to leave the relationship. I was once a strong, independent, ambitious and vivacious woman who became mentally broken and living with PTSD. I wanted a safe environment for my children; and I wanted “me” back. The moment I stepped foot into my tiny two bedroom apartment, was life altering. I closed my eyes as tears rolled down my face in joy while I stood in silence enjoying the peacefulness of freedom. It was the most freeing and uplifting experience of my life as if 200 pounds had been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again.

As I collected my thoughts and cleared my head over the days that followed leaving my abuser, I began to devise a plan to heal my mind, body, and spirit.

Here are some of the tools I used to identify, address and overcome my situation.

I began to read and educate myself on the signs and symptoms of emotional and verbal abuse putting a name to what I experienced
I discovered therapeutic journaling as a way to heal from my experience. Performing a mental brain dump of my entire relationship often crying as I put words to paper
I saw a nutritionist and got on an eating plan to heal my body from years of chronic stress
I started an exercise plan to assist with my mental health and mood
I began meditating ten minutes before bed every night to clear my mind for restful sleep. Something I wasn’t accustomed to getting
I made a list of ten affirmations to state every morning in the mirror before leaving for work to rebuild my self esteem and confidence
I wrote a list of goals I wanted to accomplish over the next year to begin making up for all the years of lost time
I created a list of activities I wanted to do over the next six months
I scheduled time with family and friends to reconnect and spend quality time

Was it My Fault, An Abuse Survivor’s Story and Guide to Navigating Narcissistic Red Flags. Click here to order.

The Issue of Race While Married to a Narcissist

There are many things you have to deal with while being married to a narcissist. With all of the gaslighting, blame shifting, emotional and verbal abuse a narcissistic relationship entails, that’s enough to handle just by itself. But, when you’re an interracial couple and your partner is a narcissist, there’s an additional challenge to endure. Especially, when you are an African American female married to a Caucasian male in America. That challenge can create even more difficulty after the relationship ends. Unexpected challenges that could not be predicted but were there all along and present themselves over time in the most toxic ways.

The Beginning

I met my ex-husband through online dating. He was from small town America with a population so small it couldn’t even be defined as a city. Needless to say, there was little to no diversity in this town and more than likely a lot of very old stereotypes helped lay the foundation for this community. The local high school science teacher actually taught the kids African Americans can jump high playing basketball because they have an extra bone in their feet. I don’t know if it was his fascination with people of color or his curiosity that enticed him to date outside of his race but whatever the reason he set his sights on me.

His first interracial relationship was with a Hispanic female in high school. His parents immediately put the hammer down on that relationship citing, “she was using him.” She was from a poor family and he could do better was the narrative. “Poor’’ meant a minority wrapped in an economic status that placed the woman of his affections as a negative just by existing in her racial makeup and current economic state.

Fast forward, five years later and I meet this innocent looking young man on a dating site. He doesn’t list his location as his small town, he lists the location he’s moving to. My city, over 500 miles away. He moved to my city not long after we met online. We met, we dated, and we fell in love. Or, so I thought. There were a number of red flags along the way that really made me question if he ever really loved me. When you consider how narcissists prey on their potential victims and become everything a potential mate is looking for in a significant other, it really makes you question the true authenticity of your relationship. It’s been said that narcissists are incapable of love and based on my experience, I’m inclined to believe that.

The Stigma of Interracial Dating

When my ex-husband first introduced me to his family. His mother was immediately dismayed. What would the neighbors think was her first reaction? Then, she went into the stigma of the kids and how society would never accept them. We were essentially intentionally sending our kids to damnation by choosing to bring them into this world. She cried for days and days constantly trying to convince her son to break up with me (one of many red flags I missed — narcissistic mother). Now, on top of all the issues of being with a narcissist, you now have the additional toxicity of racism added to it.

The Narcissist Emerges

As the years progressed, I noticed changes in the man I married. He became very controlling and emotionally abusive although at the time, I didn’t know what to call what I was experiencing in my marriage. I thought his maltreatment of me was my fault. He also displayed extreme favoritism to our daughter and treated my son horribly.

As my son progressed into his teenage years, he began to grow his hair out and became interested in hip hop music. “You need to cut your hair,” my ex-husband would repeatedly tell him. “Why do you have that ‘fro?” “Turn off THAT music!” If my son turned on a hip hop or R&B song on the radio in the car, the station was immediately changed. “We’re not listening to that nonsense!” My ex-husband would sneer as if my son was doing something wrong or illegal. Etched into these behaviours and responses is the family that enabled him and perpetuated stereotypes that he never relinquished, despite the fact that he married and had children with me. In some way, he was saving me by marrying me and taking me into a new, better status. In reality, I was the upgrade that uplifted his social and economic status.

Racial Identity Denied

When I tried to teach my kids about African American history and their culture, I was immediately shut down. “Why does everything have to be about race?” He would often say denying my kids a part of who they were. He even went so far as to put their racial identity as “white” on application forms whereas I always identified them as both races never denying their racial makeup.

My children grew up terrified to be themselves in their own home. In addition to having to survive the consistent put downs and live up to the unrealistic standards set by their father, they couldn’t embrace their own identities. They scurried to turn off music if dad walked into their room and changed the TV station if it was tuned to an urban show. Everything they enjoyed related to their culture had to be a secret to avoid dad’s wrath.

Not only did my children have to grow up dealing with a father who went into narcissistic rages at the drop of a dime, gaslighted and made them feel inadequate in every shape or form, but they grew up having to hide their racial identity in their own home. Something no child should ever have to experience.

Newfound Strength

I finally found the strength to leave my marriage after 16 years of abuse. I am proud of my children for finding their own identity despite the roadblocks their dad threw at them along the way. They continue to learn about their African American heritage and are finally free to be themselves. I still feel guilty for subjecting my kids to years of abuse, but I can’t beat myself up forever. I too was trying to survive in a household where you continuously walked on eggshells trying to avoid that next episode of narcissistic rage terrifying you into submission.

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.

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Reclaiming My Life After Narcissistic Abuse

Life in an abusive relationship isn’t something we ever think about until it happens to us. We grow up believing it could never happen to us. We tell ourselves that’s something that happens to “those people”. We fool ourselves into believing we’d never put up with behavior that makes us feel less than someone else.

These are great ideals, but unfortunately, for many people, like me, it’s a pipe dream. Through no fault of our own, some end up in relationships like this. The toxicity with niceties, attention, kind words, overt acts of love like gifts, trips, and all the sweet things that bring smiles to our faces.

Soon, those niceties become few and far between. What was once loving looks turns to scowls. The kind words are replaced by name calling, insults, threats, and outright frightening declarations. While shocking at first, it’s amazing how quickly this abhorrent behavior becomes our new normal. We make excuses as our abuser chips away at our self-esteem, makes us question ourselves, and fundamentally changes our perception.

Some people live with this for decades. Some, like me, leave… eventually. But unfortunately, leaving doesn’t always end the abuse. The abuser will sometimes find a new way to manipulate or control you. The system that’s designed to help you sever ties and clean up loose ends also works against you.

My book, my story, chronicles my journey from an abusive relationship to fighting for my life back and the aftermath of taking a stand. While not a pretty story, this raw account is meant to help anyone, who is living in this near-impossible situation, navigate the sometimes-confusing road ahead. Whether it be the legal system or beyond, I know it would’ve been helpful to have a roadmap to help me navigate this treacherous terrain.

After surviving narcissistic abuse and fighting to get my life back, improve my self-esteem, and reclaim the pieces of me that had been chipped away after sixteen years in a toxic relationship, the last thing I needed was another battle for what was rightfully mine. When the legal system is set up to work against you and not take your best interests into account, where do you turn?

My book outlines the steps I took and those I encourage those I consult to take. While I’m not an attorney, I know from experience what worked for me. It’s my hope that my book, my story, my journey will provide inspiration, help you create a roadmap to the next chapter of your life, and provide you with the tools you need to succeed on the other side of an abusive relationship.

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.

Attempting to Leave the Narcissist

You were swept off your feet when you first met spending every possible moment with your new love. A fairytale story of everlasting love reminiscent of a Hallmark movie. You felt like you were the only person in the world for them…their soulmate.

However, suddenly things changed…

You began to be belittled and made to feel less than. You communicated the poor treatment to your partner and how it made you feel. Yet, your feelings were unheard and invalidated. Everything that went wrong in your partner’s life was your fault. The missed job promotion, ability to purchase their favorite car, or the forgotten orange juice your missed during your grocery trip. The once constant loving attention and focus on you disappeared as if you were an object just to be used and abused.

As time went on, the put-downs became unbearable, but you hung in there waiting to see a glimpse of the person you fell in love with. The person who made you feel so special that you couldn’t imagine finding that type of love again.

They have to be in there somewhere right?

The Truth Revealed or Behind the Mask

Little did you know that you were dealing with a skilled manipulator. A narcissist. Someone who spent their entire lives creating a non-existent image to lure people in. A charismatic persona that charmed everyone they met. Often perceived as the perfect friend or mate to the outside world, a narcissist is far from that. They keep their emotional and psychological abuse closeted behind closed doors.

You desperately tried to change yourself to appease your partner. Often to the detriment of your mental health and physical well-being. You began to question everything you said walking on eggshells to avoid the episodes of narcissitic rage. If you stopped doing this and started doing that, you told yourself over and over. If you fixed everything they complained about, you would see the person you met and fell in love with again. You so desperately needed to see that person again to prove to yourself, that you were not crazy.

However, that day never came. Your partner continued to complain about everything you did and didn’t do while raising the bar of satisfaction higher and higher. As you slowly seeped into depression and had enough, you attempted to leave.

But, your partner was not done with you. They needed you to feel good about themselves. They needed you to make them feel whole, wanted, and loved. Your needs didn’t matter, but theirs did. Therefore, they pulled you back in with promises of changing their behavior. They made you feel guilty for attempting to leave making you question your decision. They began love bombing you all over again as they did when you first started dating pulling you back into the vortex of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

You began to think … am I the crazy one?

Was it My Fault, now available. Click here to order my book.